Sometimes, understanding the line between giving up and being strong is difficult to differentiate between. You’re not giving up when you let go of something - you’re being strong. You’re not being strong when you’re abandoning something - you’re giving up. The difference is minimal, almost unnoticeable. But, for once, I think I finally understand it.

Ah, today I feel a sense of melancholia.

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I have this innate urge to feel protective over those in turmoil. It doesn’t matter what kind of turmoil, all that matters is that something is wrong. I’ll want to help. Even if I don’t know how - even if I can’t - I’ll want to.

Just so they know they’re not alone.

I wonder, is it wrong to feel a sense of apathy? To, at the end of the day, not care? Because that’s how I’m getting by, these days. I just don’t care.

While talking to a friend today, I realized that I sound pretty heartless. But… It’s weird. I don’t know how to even begin explaining.

Michelle is questioning whatever is happening with one of our oppas. Ever since I told him I was too busy to help him two weeks ago, he’s been ignoring me. Now that he knows he can’t guilt-trip me into helping him - now that he knows he can’t gain anything from me - he’s just decided to pay me no attention. I must admit, I was pretty pissy two weeks ago, but I won’t apologize for the ability to deny someone. I was troubled and confused about a lot of things - I didn’t feel like making time to help someone I’d helped a million times before. Write your essay for you? No, not again, thanks. Plan your assignment for you? Well, I’ve done it before, but not this time. Find reputable sources for your latest project? I could, like I did, but I won’t. I don’t even care, because I’m not some kind of… slave. I’m not at your beck and call. And fuck you if you think I am.

I’m strong enough to stand up for myself and say “no.” If you’re unable to, there’s not much I can do. That’s your own fault. I can try to help you as much as I can, but what are the chances you’ll listen? I dunno. I don’t care. Repetition of the same mistake leads to apathy, in my books. It’ll take a lot for you to get me to not care, but - if you try hard enough - you can achieve it.

Anyway, I don’t really know how to feel about whatever is going on there. Michelle has told me a million times she’s going to stop caring. She told me again today. Instead of believing her, I just said, “No, you won’t.” Because I know she won’t - I don’t know why she does this to herself, but it’s her own fault. She’s shooting herself in the foot. On top of all that, he’s pretty sexual around her. And this increases whenever she’s in the middle of doing something for him, for some reason. How weird is that, right?

I should probably clarify… I don’t care about this one person anymore. It is because he does hurtful things and I don’t want to be hurt anymore. I’ve also learned that caring about every little thing that happens is hurtful, too. Accepting that some things are out of your control is a good thing - you just need to find a balance between caring and not caring. Some things you can control; others, you can’t. I’m trying to find the in between spot, where it makes more sense. All in all: hakuna matata. Why worry? No point in that, silly-billies.

Ugh, humans.

Thank God I’m not one of them.

After not stepping foot outside of the house for the last week, I’d say the past two days have been an amazing turnaround. xD

Thursday: located Michelle; skipped lab; drank tea; hung out with Heather, Wayne, Oli(for a bit); had ice-cream from iStorm for lunch (and regretted NOTHING); messed around in lab with our oppas and unnis afterwards; had dinner with Sally, Holly, Juna and Miranda, then hung out at Esquires for a short while; and finally got home at 10pm.

Friday: skipped lab (again); located Michelle; went shopping for make-up brush; went to uni; printed out lab reports and handed them in like good girls; had tasty snacks at Gloria Jeans; took pointless photos in photobooths (to the right~); met up with Sarah; had kimchi bokkeumbapeun at FullHouse for dinner (omfg, heaven in a bowl, I swear); hung out at The Coffee Club drinking tea and harassing Emerald (below~); went cake shopping; wasted time at Esquires; finally got home at 10pm.

FUN TIMES ARE FUN.

I guess I’m pretty content. ^ ^ I feel good. It feels good to feel good. I don’t have to overthink anything, worry about much or stress over nothing. I’m so sick of doing that, anyway. = =;; I just want to be calm~

Also, I can’t believe someone has stolen my make-up brush! It was brand new! T T;;; I’m really upset over that (or I was, anyway, until I bought a new one today… lol…). How rude of them! I’m a bit obsessed with eye make-up, actually. It’s the only make-up I use (apart from lipgloss, I guess) - I don’t care about foundation and mineral powder and whatever else. = 3 = Boring ~ Haha. ^ ^ I’m going to buy red lipstick, soon. Tiffany looks so cute with it! It’s really inspired me to try it out ~ !

It’s already May! I actually kind of can’t believe it… Time moves really quickly. > < ;; I guess I should start studying soon… Sigh ~ Who ever wants to start studying, anyway? I have a whole bunch of lab reports to do and a timetable to suss. I’d better get to it. :P

Apart from all that, I really love being content. It feels like how things usually are. Hopefully things are finally back to normal. If not, looks like all I have to do is not give up. ♥

When I see someone do something earnestly - smile, sing, laugh, cry, run, whatever - I cry.

The truth only seems to be said in three instances:

• In anger.
• In jest.
• And in death.

Shopping, shopping, shopping~♥

Why does it make everything so much better? （*´▽｀*）
I went shopping for some gifts for a few friends of mine (and, of course, ended up buying some stuff for myself, hehe). I finally got some gel eyeliner! I’ve been thinking about buying some for such a long time. xD

Saffron gel eyeliner, apparently “long-lasting, smudge-proof and waterproof.” Only $20 from Make-up Direct! ♥

I also got the clothes I bought online today! I’m so excited for them! 8D

(I was too lazy to put the dress on, haha…)

I can’t wait to wear them. :3 It’s so cold that I’m glad I’ve bought another coat~! I’m still busy shopping online… I should stop, but I don’t know how to. OTL

I think “hectic” accurately describes the day I had.

I mean, if the whole ‘I’ve-only-had-two-hours-of-sleep-lol’ thing wasn’t intense enough, I had to get double-teamed by my friends.

“Friends.”

I don’t get it, really. I had been on-and-off the entire day: trying to come to terms with the fact that my brother might be leaving the country, meaning that I would have to forge my own path. Not quibbling about forging my own path, but just totally uncertain as to if I want to manage without him. He’s always been my rock - the person I go to when everything else just fails. He’s my brother.

I tried to keep my emotions in check throughout the day, but they got the best of me. I could tell people were wondering what the hell was wrong, giving me sideways glances and asking Michelle if I was okay.

No, I wanted to reply. I’m really not.

But I don’t trust people easily with my problems. It might sound high-and-mighty, conceited and bigheaded, but why do those people deserve to know my problems? What is it that makes them so special? The only people I turn to are my parents, my brother, Linda or some kind of family member. And, of course, Jason and Sam. There are only three people (that aren’t family) on that list that get to hear what’s really going on.

The day was long. I struggled through it. By 6pm, I thought it was all over - I thought I might get to go home. I was sitting in Esquires with Wayne, Sarah and Michelle, unable to talk because I didn’t know what to say.

Sarah had been fed the information that I had lied to the nurses/doctors at the hospital when Michelle was admitted - I had told them that her parents were away and unable to be contacted. Needless to say, no time was lost in relaying this to other people.

I don’t really want to get into the gory details of it all, but I will tell you this: it hurt.

It really hurt to be called names by my “friends.” It hurt to be told I was fake, seeking sympathy and pretending to be sincere. It hurt to be scolded, berated and accused. I didn’t know how to feel. I just… cried. I didn’t know what else to do.

Because, if that person is truly your friend, you wouldn’t have to prove anything to them.

True friends believe in you, trust you and love you. They stand by you, and fight for you and with you. I might not have a lot of true friends, but I am so grateful for the ones I do. They mean the world to me.

Maybe everything is resolved now. Maybe that massive fight - tears, pain and all - has all disappeared into the night.

All I know is that I’ve learned a lot.

I’ve learned about those who truly love me. I’ve learned about those who truly need me. I’ve learned about those who truly cherish me. And everyone else? They don’t mean very much, if anything at all.

The conclusions Michelle and Sarah came to were that:

1. I don’t share enough of my feelings/problems/etc, which is why all these fights/arguments/etc have resulted.
2. I bottle up my feelings.
3. I take the blame for others too easily.

I agree with all three. They’re absolutely correct. I do do all those things. And I’m well-aware of it.

The hitch?

I don’t care. I know I do all those things, and I understand how my mind and body functions when I carry out those actions. I understand what I am doing. When I don’t share what I’m thinking or feeling, it is because I do not want to. When I bottle up my feelings, it is because they are my feelings. When I take the blame for others, it is because their emotions do not affect me, so why not just let someone (in this case, me) take the blame and move on?

When I got home, my brother actually hugged me. I know him. He’s a sweetheart, but things like that don’t happen often. After I gave him the condensed version of what transpired, he laughed and said,

“The problem is that you’re too much like me: you like people to know about you, but only certain parts. You hate for one person to know everything about you.”

My mother said the exact same words to me barely half an hour later. I know they’re true, now. That’s exactly what I feel. What I choose to show you, you have to live with it. I will not show you anymore, I will not show you any less. You may as well just feel lucky for what you do get.

When my aunt and cousin (Trijah) asked about what happened, both very concerned, I really felt a surge of love. I wanted to cry - simply because I love them. The fact that they cared, so sincerely and genuinely, about me made me really appreciate everything that had had happened. The same goes for my parents, my brother and for Sam. And, Jason, thank you for listening to me. Really. All of you are so wonderful.

I am so grateful for the people who care about me in my life. It makes me feel that, even though things like this happen once in a while, I always have someone to turn to. ♥

Today, let me not overthink.
Today, let me be at peace.
Today, let me not be hurt.
Today, let me learn to guard myself.

Yesterday, my mother said to me, “Darling, there are these swans that live in the Himalayas. When you give them cream or milk, you simply pour it into the water. They are able to drink your gift without swallowing a single drop of the water. They call this the power of discernment.”

Today, let me able to be just like those swans.